My grandpa passed away on February 23rd, just before dinner. It was a Monday, so Keith was off. If there was one night I ever needed him to lean on, that was it. Taki and I had just seen him the day before. Two weeks earlier he was in the hospital. I didn't take Taki because, well, it's a hospital, and because he was on IV antibiotics, so I didn't want to expose anyone in either direction. He was talking about things he wanted for his funeral because he said he would be gone in two weeks. He was released from the hospital 5 days later and the next day I took Taki to see him. Unfortunately, he was tired and cranky so he fussed at grandpa at bit. Then we went back the next Sunday but he was very sleepy. Masaki came with Nancy and my mom was there so visited and took the last pictures I ever have of him. Then Gary visited the next day and not 10 minutes after he left, my mom was getting ready to serve him dinner and next she knew he was gone. Two weeks to the day from when I first saw him in the hospital.

We had the funeral yesterday. My auntie wanted us to get up to talk about him. But how could I get up in front of all those people when I couldn't even speak? I had to run out to the car to collect myself before going in to otoki, you know, the eating afterwards. Then my auntie hijacked my child!! Just took him and told Keith and me to go away!! She totally man handled him around to visit all her friends, but he's so heavy he was sliding out of her arms, poor guy.

I'm grateful that I got to introduce my son to him and that I have great pictures to show Taki of him hanging out with his great-grandpa. I just wish he could have his own memories of the man he is named after.

For most of my adult life I lived one or two hours away from them, but when I had the luxury of taking them for granted I only visited my grandparents on holidays, and not even all of them, on average about once every two months. My mom always thought I should go more often since I was the only grandchild. I resented that I never had siblings, and her siblings never had children (at least not until I was already 30). I felt it was unfair to have all the pressure put on me: to do well in school, go to a decent university that they could feel proud telling their friends about, have a great career that they could brag to their friends about, and of course dutifully visit every single holiday and family get-together. Several times, I worked shifts, or in the case of the restaurant industry, it is the nature of the business, that I was working on the holiday, so everyone got together without me. And I didn't really see the point to go up before or after by myself. At the time, I though 6 times a year was plenty and way more than many people get to see their families. But my mom let me know awhile back that grandpa felt neglected by me. I don't know. Where is the right balance between working hard to build your career like your family expects you to, and spending all the time with them that they expect you to be there? Now, I still only visit my grandma with about the same frequency because I am working part time, trying to spend time with my husband on our one day off together, and not subject my child to 4 hours in the car too often. Are those the right reasons for not visiting her every week or whatever my mom thinks I should?

I never really believed in heaven or hell like the judeo-christian tradition, because I'm not. But I do think that all the goodness in my grandfather is now coming back to me. Since he has passed away, I was offered a baking job that I'm excited about for the long term career goals it can provide. Actually, at first I interviewed for a cake decorator, then she called today to offer the job, but that it was going to be for a baker and closer to my house!! It's part time, but it has benefits anyways, medical as well as dental and vision, cool, eh?