Today I met a woman who just lost her child two weeks ago. She came into the office and my coworker unwittingly asked how her babies were doing. The woman responded, "The oldest is four and...we lost one two weeks ago." I was speechless and near tears the rest of the afternoon. She was coming in to get contacts because she thought it would be easier to deal with everything than if she was wearing glasses. It's difficult to see when your glasses are fogged up with tears....but did you know that contacts accumulate protein deposits much more rapidly when you cry a lot?

I just thought, "What would I ever do if lost my precious baby? What if it was my fault that he died?" You hear stories of mom's who deviate from their routine or are so frazzled that they forget their babies in the car. How does life ever go on when something like that happens?

What a difference just a short time makes. A year ago, I was 4 months pregnant, and barely showing. A year before that, I had just met the man who would become my husband. At that time, I very much did as pleased; even though I had been with boyfriends for years, it was just never that serious. They were never the guy I could see myself raising a family with and growing old. But because I couldn't fathom marriage and children, it just didn't matter if I stayed with them or not.

But now. Now, my whole world is completely my husband and our baby (and our dog, too!) Sure, I wish I could finish school and bake full time. But I think that time will come all too soon: the time when Taki and his future siblings no longer need me full time, because they have their school and friends and activities. I cringe at the thought when will Taki struggle to break free of my embrace because he is 'a big boy', too big to cuddle with mama. So now, I try to journal and blog to capture the emotions, and take copious picture and scrapbook them to keep those picture in my mind crisp and clear. Already, I look at pictures from six months ago, and he's so DIFFERENT.

Right now, we are trying to get him to sit up, crawl, hold his own bottle, and pick up cheerios to put in his mouth. All steps to necessary independence and away from us. This week I finally made the almost heartbreaking decision to start weaning him. But I'm glad it will be a slow process because he still loves to cuddle with mama, especially at bedtime.

My grandpa passed away on February 23rd, just before dinner. It was a Monday, so Keith was off. If there was one night I ever needed him to lean on, that was it. Taki and I had just seen him the day before. Two weeks earlier he was in the hospital. I didn't take Taki because, well, it's a hospital, and because he was on IV antibiotics, so I didn't want to expose anyone in either direction. He was talking about things he wanted for his funeral because he said he would be gone in two weeks. He was released from the hospital 5 days later and the next day I took Taki to see him. Unfortunately, he was tired and cranky so he fussed at grandpa at bit. Then we went back the next Sunday but he was very sleepy. Masaki came with Nancy and my mom was there so visited and took the last pictures I ever have of him. Then Gary visited the next day and not 10 minutes after he left, my mom was getting ready to serve him dinner and next she knew he was gone. Two weeks to the day from when I first saw him in the hospital.

We had the funeral yesterday. My auntie wanted us to get up to talk about him. But how could I get up in front of all those people when I couldn't even speak? I had to run out to the car to collect myself before going in to otoki, you know, the eating afterwards. Then my auntie hijacked my child!! Just took him and told Keith and me to go away!! She totally man handled him around to visit all her friends, but he's so heavy he was sliding out of her arms, poor guy.

I'm grateful that I got to introduce my son to him and that I have great pictures to show Taki of him hanging out with his great-grandpa. I just wish he could have his own memories of the man he is named after.

For most of my adult life I lived one or two hours away from them, but when I had the luxury of taking them for granted I only visited my grandparents on holidays, and not even all of them, on average about once every two months. My mom always thought I should go more often since I was the only grandchild. I resented that I never had siblings, and her siblings never had children (at least not until I was already 30). I felt it was unfair to have all the pressure put on me: to do well in school, go to a decent university that they could feel proud telling their friends about, have a great career that they could brag to their friends about, and of course dutifully visit every single holiday and family get-together. Several times, I worked shifts, or in the case of the restaurant industry, it is the nature of the business, that I was working on the holiday, so everyone got together without me. And I didn't really see the point to go up before or after by myself. At the time, I though 6 times a year was plenty and way more than many people get to see their families. But my mom let me know awhile back that grandpa felt neglected by me. I don't know. Where is the right balance between working hard to build your career like your family expects you to, and spending all the time with them that they expect you to be there? Now, I still only visit my grandma with about the same frequency because I am working part time, trying to spend time with my husband on our one day off together, and not subject my child to 4 hours in the car too often. Are those the right reasons for not visiting her every week or whatever my mom thinks I should?

I never really believed in heaven or hell like the judeo-christian tradition, because I'm not. But I do think that all the goodness in my grandfather is now coming back to me. Since he has passed away, I was offered a baking job that I'm excited about for the long term career goals it can provide. Actually, at first I interviewed for a cake decorator, then she called today to offer the job, but that it was going to be for a baker and closer to my house!! It's part time, but it has benefits anyways, medical as well as dental and vision, cool, eh?